So a bit back we were taken through a roller coaster of emotions.  Scare, relief, scare, more scare.

So for several reasons my wife was sent over to Iowa Radiology after a bit of back and forth, we found out that she had a mass around one of her ovaries.  So at best, it's gotta go, at worse, all that system has to go.

So the positives.

• Her work has been amazing  She found out about it during the first month or so of working there.  We were planning on just using FMLA to ensure she can go back to work, but her manager was like here, let me get you the short term disability paperwork, lets take care of this.
• My work has also been amazing.  Clearly I have been distracted, overly emotional, and running off to take my wife to appointments.  This has not been a problem (except the minor freakout for a major go-live that I'll be missing (I only have a minor role)).
• Many people have said if we need anything, just ask, and not like that thing that some people might say, but more of a these people will actually do.  It feels great to have friends  / family like this.
• The oncologist we are working with, we have not heard anything bad about her (other doctors, other people in the know).  She's been great to talk to and handle everything.  She's been a great confidence boost.
• I had other plans for my Flex money this year (dental), and we set aside some flex money for Shannon, but between the two of these things, there's a large chunk of cash to take care of bills, and another large chunk in reserve beyond that.

The bad (for me)

• I have been stress eating.  Now I'm quite aware of it, and I'm within a reasonable margin, but more then I should be clearly.  Strangely enough I'm still down weight, so who knew (up from my lowest point, but down from my latest peak)?
• There has been more...drinking.  Certainly not to the same extent as some other periods in my life, but certainly more then the weekend / casual / social type of drinking that I do.  While I know it's not the best way to deal with things, some of it is the calming ritual of it.
• I never expected to live past 30 (I'm closing in on 40).  In discussions with a fried about this whole thing, neither of us really were living our lives as if there was not much of a future.  Lives changed then my goal became, I want to make sure that there is enough money for my wife, when I pass.  Clearly I will first, though she doesn't like me talking like this, but with that as a generalized goal and a lot of what my life revolves around, what would happen if that pillar was gone?  Being in the suspense that we have been kept in, in these periods of time, very dark thoughts can go across my mind.  I'm often, as I stated, distracted, distressed and very dark.  I try to keep up the habits that keep my mood elevated (regular walks, keeping myself partially distracted at all times, etc), but often times, these days, it's not working very well.  Sometimes I hide it well, sometimes not.  Either way, it's been a struggle to keep my head in a normal / semi-normal space, while trying to be supportive and keep up with the day to day.
• I have been sleeping poorly.  I often find myself staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to hold me.
• When I sleep and dream, they're often bad dreams, haunted by bad things

With all this going on we've been working together to keep the attitudes positive.  It is hard to predict what will happen in the next 40 days or so, but hopefully, no more bad surprises.