Journal

2017 - Week 27 Cooking

At this point, I am filled with confusing emotions, I have both relief and guilt and it it kind of shows how much my home is part of the base of my comfort.  Most times we have a clear timeline of when people will be here (few hours for a get together, a weekend for an event).  We have a full house (us plus 4 cats).  I'm glad my parents found another place to stay.  I don't know if Freyja was stressed because of the extra people in the house, or as a reflection of our own stress of having extra people in the house.  She seems to have recovered relatively quickly and is no longer hiding under our bed (after a bit of encouragement from me), but is still a bit tentative around the house (probably still smells like other people).

Week 51 2016, let it be know as a poop storm

So this week has been kind of terrible, but that being said, it could’ve been a lot worse.

Sunday, HVAC issue that I wrote about last week.

Monday, I was taking my car into the dealership (they give me a ride to work so I don’t have to bother anyone) to get an oil change / tire check.  My tires had been leaking, and I’ve just been to busy to get ‘em in, so I had just been filling them up.  On my way to the dealership, one of my tires, clearly had a big problem, so I pulled into the gas station to fill up the tire to make it to the shop, to see that it had clearly been shredded.  We paid for roadside assistance to make sure that we could get help when we went on our multi-state road trip.  So I called them to get a tow truck to take my car to the dealership.  You got the service, use the service.  The first group came back and said 4:PM, and I’m like I Can’t wait all day for that, got sent back to the customer service, they got another group that said 11:AM, which, while a while, was way better, then I got a text update that it was then 7:PM, So I tried to navigate through the menus to get to a person to talk to about the situation (I’m not even quite sure how I got there).  And added a window notification so I could then go to work.

The benefit here is that because I had been pacing around the Git & Go (thanks for the accommodation for the place on Franklin and Merle Hay), I had already gotten my steps and then some in for the day.

My co-worker came and got me and I made it to work.

So due to the combination of stress, forgetting my morning pills (including an acid reducer), I think forgetting my breakfast, drinking way to much iced coffee (normal + 2 starbucks unseated ones at the gas station) and probably just coming down with a stomach bug, I was at work for a couple of hours an then proceeded to return my lunch to the world.  

Not wanting to reduce Shannon’s earning hours, I had my brother come and get me (who happened to be in town visiting).

I attended one final meeting, but basically most of the rest of the day, I rested.

Tuesday, I was still feeling less then stellar, being without a car I decided to work from home, which is a clear benefit, and proceeded to work through a number of mostly email or process related things, and get on the right track for a number of items.  I took a couple of breaks through the day, and started eating a bit more then crackers around lunch time.

My HVAC people came over in the afternoon, did a visual and computer check of the furnace and found nothing the matter (good) and had no charge for the visit (also good).

2 tires only had leaks in them (which were fixed), the front two tires were shredded and had to be replaced, so the cost could’ve been twice as much, but I got away without having to much cost.

Late Tuesday, we went over to the dealership (I may have slept through the shuttle driver) and I picked up the car, everything seemed fine, though it seemed odd that my stereo was asking for it’s code (only happens when it completely loses power), I finally found the code (which I need to put in a more digital location) and thought that was taken care off.

Wednesday, I was right on time to make my 9:AM meeting, get out to the car, lights light up and unlock the door, put the key in, and…

nothing.

No click, no lights come on, nothing.

I thought that maybe I left the headlights on (not that I do that, but it could happen), but they were off.

So I call the dealership and they’re going to send someone out to jump the car.

I joined my 9:AM at home

My co-worker, over lunch, was nice enough to deliver me my other laptop allowing me to at least split screen (only in an emergency will I have my personal devices touch my work anymore).

Dealership called back and was like the post just wasn’t connecting well, so they fixed that.

I had a fairly productive day at home and made a bit of progress.  The only complaint I really had is that when coding, the auto-complete doesn’t work so well on remote desktop, though in thinking about it, I did install visual studio on my pc work laptop, so I should’ve used that instead.

Wednesday afternoon, we received a bill for Shannon’s PET scan from earlier in the year, which was unexpected.

So I think the Gremlin’s power is fading as we have only had a lightbulb here and there pop, but on that, we’re almost out of florescent lightbulbs and can start transitioning to LED.

So it could’ve been worse.  There could’ve been an actual problem with the heater, or twice the cost for 4 tires instead of 2 (though the back two do only have ~5k miles left on ‘em).  And we were able to payment plan the PET scan, which we will pay off more rapidly, just don’t have the cash without robbing the emergency fund.

The rest of the week, has, on the other hand, been pretty good, baring a few burned out bulbs here and there.

Short notes about Mason City

There is a surprising amount of public art in at least the downtown area.  Some is from this or that fund and some are in remembrance of teachers, parents or grandparents.  I find this a much nicer way to remember someone rather then a marker in a field of other markers. Something to think about. 

The MacNider Art Museum has a very eclectic collection.  Though nudity often exists in art, I was unaware of a nudity in any Grant Wood piece, which they had.  

I am glad the Vision Iowa program was able to provide a big investment into the Historic Park Inn. Such a beautiful building both inside and out. 

The area that we stayed in was generally pretty walkable and after the sun started to show up, it was nice to walk around in. 

Big life changes, Type 2, mild anemia and other things

Just over 5 weeks ago, following a regularly scheduled appointment, I crossed over that line on my A1C into type 2 diabetes.  Was this a surprise?  Not really, while I eat quality ingredients, I am not necessarily the healthiest of eaters.  There is some family history of type 2.  So I've told a few people, mainly because I had to (work, etc).

Over this last while here, I've attended three 4+ hour classes to teach my how to manage my eating, use my blood glucose meter, and log what I eat and drink.  A lot of this has been frustrating, some of it has been easier then I thought.  Through all of this, C (name not used on purpose, but the people who know me, should know who this is), has been a huge help.  Letting me express frustrations, ask for help and get some advice.

I started a drug (commonly used) to reduce uptake in some areas, and increase sensitivity in others, and it seems to work well, my levels are now staying within a normal range.  Compare the last 30 days:

30 days of Glucose Readings

30 days of Glucose Readings

Vs the last week, where the numbers are mostly within range

past 7 days of Glucose Readings

past 7 days of Glucose Readings

Some of these readings are even when I was fasting (more on that below).  Graphs via mySugr (this does not count as an endorsement).

The most difficult part, for me, is changing how I eat.  I've almost always made the choice for pleasure, while eating, within reason.  Trying to keep it within reason, not gaining wait.  So now, it basically ruins a lot of staples in my life.  Pasta, very small portions, big thing of rice?, no small portions.  Sometimes I am surprised as to how much in the way of carbs there are in things, vs how much I should eat.  This has been straight up tiring.

On the other hand, it has made me adjust things to keep full (ish) and move forward.  I eat a lot more salads now.  Make sure I keep things down low, and only occasionally now, do I really seriously crave things.  This past week, a leftover salad didn't keep me full and I wandered back to look at the items in our snack filled area (like vendo-land except no vending machines, but you still have to pay).  I looked at the things I would normally snack on, then just walked away.

So while reducing my general intake of food has led to a fairly dramatic loss in weight (I'm going to credit the drug here for that, I think).  I am down 11% from my peak (4/3/2014) and 47% of that has been since the beginning of the year (~10% of the time I've been tracking my weight).  So clearly this is better.  I've tightened my belt a bit, and some things that weren't very loose are looser (especially my pants).

30 days of Calorie intake

30 days of Calorie intake

The frustrating part of tracking, is that clearly the app that I'm currently using (My Fitness Pal, again, not an endorsement), needs to clean up their database.  More often then not, when I import a recipe, I have to go through and edit it, especially with garlic, where it adds like 5k calories with a single clove of garlic...which is a load of crap, clearly.  They need to have something to flag items as wrong for inspection, and removal.  I have found that more frustrating then almost anything (data integrity, as many people that I work with know, is a pet peeve of mine).

So in the process of setting up a new computer, I cleaned off my desk and went through a bunch of lab reports (that I kept for some unknown reason) before I shredded them.  And I was consistently on the low side of normal, or just below normal on iron saturation.  It's amazing what a couple of percentages make.  The odd thing, is that I have plenty of the protein that carries iron, but not enough iron to carry...  So to check on that (and another condition), I had my 2nd colonoscopy before my 40th birthday.  On the positive side they found a polyp and it wasn't cancerous or pre-cancerous, however, you still have to prep for it, which is terrible...even with the shortened method (notice the lack of calories in the chart above on 3/6).  So I'm past that, I'm feeling vaguely less tired (still, on average, sleep less then 6 hours a night, with my machine), but still not quite right.  Doubled up on my iron supplement (600%+ now) and added Vitamin C (500mg) to help with uptake.

App wise, it's been frustrating to have support form one company, blame another for problem X, when you know for a fact (cause that's kind of what you do), that it is entirely possible to do what they said they can't do...  Or have them say, hey reboot your iPhone, we can't connect to Apple Health (seems fine like minutes later).  So I am still looking for better apps, but for now I'm using MySugr (paying) and MyfitnessPal (paying).  For me, I want (doesn't have to be one app):

  • Easy to use (bad UI annoys me)
  • Able to import recipes
  • accurate food information
  • calories and carbs and etc sync to times stated that they were taken (not daily amounts) (this will help in tracking carbs v glucose levels)
  • syncs with apple Health
  • web interface, iPhone / iPad support (syncs throughout)
  • secure data throughout (encrypted in transit, encrypted at rest, etc)
  • reports
  • Updated frequently (I've seen a lot of relatively highly rated ones that haven't been updated in a year or more)

If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

And lastly, but certainly not least, a big thanks to my wife for their support through this.

Why I terminated my membership, after ~20 years of being "inactive"

I was raised as a member of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (commonly called Mormons, though they don't necessarily prefer that term).  All along the way I had doubts, even as I was selected for youth leadership roles, I had doubts.  People would describe the feeling that one would get when they supposedly communed with the divine.  I never felt this feeling.

Never.

Not for a lack of trying, either.  So for me, it became a problem with several answers:

  1. The divine didn't want to commune with me
  2. I was doing something wrong (that I was aware or unaware of)
  3. The divine wasn't communing with these people (or anyone), they have just deluded themselves in thinking they were
  4. There is no divine

The problem is, trying to think about religion in a logical fashion doesn't particularly work.  At some point there will be a drastic leap over things that would normally discount, to be in that believer category.  For reason 1 & 2, it didn't really follow that even with "sins" that were committed, it didn't follow that for the entire course of my youth that this would be the case.  I could see how some "sins" this would follow, but my entire childhood?

For 3, there are clear evidence that there are mass delusions related to many things.  These can exist in the realm of the religious or even in the secular world.  The desire to want to belong and have that "special feeling" could really lead people to force themselves to believe that it has happened.  Since there is no external confirmation that anything has happened, it is easy to convince oneself that it does, if they really want it to.

For 4, it is near impossible to prove the negative.  Though when one thinks about the supposed properties of the mainstream divine, they seem to logically contradict each other.  Though some could state that the divine doesn't have to be limited by logic, but if they don't, then every thing that exists is arbitrary and meaningless (there are many that have argued this).

As soon as I was no longer forced to go, I didn't.  I didn't attend when I was at college, but would attend when I went home, again, due to force.

Occasionally I would vaguely join in activities or etc for the purpose of filling a social void (even though I didn't believe, having people that you were raised in a similar fashion around did provide some sort of comfort).  When the need was met, the desire to do anything with that group of people was entirely removed.

The final straw for me, was when I was confirmed in my belief that either there is no divine or the divine cares little in the affairs of the smart monkeys that we are.  I as invited to be an activity leader for the singles ward.  At this point there were several parts of the word of wisdom that I may have been in clear violation, so to offer a role, was clearly an action not because I was worthy, but to provide me a place of responsibility to bring me back in.  There are many many roles in the LDS church.  These roles give people a purpose, and when people have a purpose they are less likely to feel left out and probably more likely to feel as if they have a responsibility to complete these tasks.

At that time I completely cut ties.  No longer would I go to movies with this group of people or go to eat or etc.

As my opinions on life and how the world should work, kept being formed, I will not deny that many of these could be drawn back to what I saw as the positives of the LDS faith, however, many mormons don't particularly practice or espouse these beliefs and fall more into the political expectations of the more conservative parts of their faith.

As time passed, the LDS leadership took positions that had become more and more offensive to me as time passed.  These things usually followed forcing their beliefs into public law (against secular same sex partnerships).  It wasn't just LDS leaders that fall into this area, but many people support these position to bring about their religions' version of a Theocracy in the United States.

For me, since we live in a country which should have a clear division of the secular and the divine, if your religion tells you to life should be like X, you then need to work back your logic to prove that X is needed without any reference to the divine.  So if you cannot state that X should exist without relying on RSS (Religion Says So), then guess what?  It shouldn't apply to other people.  You can place limitations on your own behavior, but to place the expectations on others, you need more then just your religion.

At this point LDS leadership just placed a straight up dick move on people that want to believe and be active, but feel as if the LDS church is behind in the understanding in what the divine desires.  One could look back on the interpretation of the divine by LDS leaders in relation to black people and how it really was a very slow response to the societal pressure.

Up until this point I've been more then happy to wait until I don't have to have the particular discussion with my father (like after he passed away), but it's been my intention to officially leave for more then a decade.

For me, what really drove this final, official cut off, was my sister.  She has her own set of reasons and ideas, but frankly, if someone is going to have to take familial flack over this, I'd rather it be me, then her.  Frankly at this point, I'm used to it.  I already have a fairly distant relationship with large segments of my family, so adding another factor, is not something I have concern over.

Below is the text of my letter (edited to remove some personal details), that was signed, notarized and sent via certified mail:

“November 12, 2015
Member Records Division
LDS Church
50 E North Temple Rm 1372
Salt Lake City, Utah 84150-5310
Member Records Division:
This letter is to inform you that as of November 12, 2015, I have terminated my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Please remove the name Samuel /removed/ Kurth (born /removed/ in /removed/) from the records of the LDS Church immediately as dictated in the General Handbook of instructions.
Throughout the years I’ve had strong doubts (even at a very young age) and severe objections to the doctrine, teachings and actions of the LDS church. I fully understand that my request:
1. Cancels the effects of baptism
2. Withdraws the priesthood
3. Suspends temple sealings and blessings
My resignation should be processed immediately, without any “waiting periods”. I am not going to be dissuaded and I am not going to change my mind.
I expect this matter to be handled promptly. Due to my termination of membership, any requests to participate in any courts of disciplinary councils will be ignored.
After today the only contact that I want from the church is up to two correspondences of this type:
1. A letter of confirmation that this document was received
2. A letter of confirmation that I am no longer a member of the church
If necessary I will seek legal counsel.
Sincerely,
Samuel /removed/ Kurth
”

2015 - Week 40 Cooking

This past Friday, I had the opportunity to join Keith on a trip to Iowa City to see John Hodgman on his Vacationland Tour at the Englert Theater.  It was fun.  I don't get a lot of time one on one with Keith, so this was kind of nice.  I really enjoyed the show, laughed quite a bit a the stories and the way they were presented.  What has been sticking with me the most is the cover of So Much Wine by The Handsome Family by John Hodgman.  The performance of it and the words really have been rolling back and forth in my head.  It looks like it was even covered by Andrew Bird.  This reminds me that I'm behind on albums from Andrew Bird and a new artist to overwhelm myself with.  I took one picture before the show started, which was almost immediately liked by the performer himself (kinda cool, right?).

On a side note, I am starting to worry about where I am getting the turkey this year.

So I inspected what is in the freezer to see what is left in there.  So I have a bunch of ham skin and ham bone with the intention of making a ham stock, a rabbit, and after that it gets fairly random.  I have entirely to many frozen roasted peppers.  And I have some (duck) stock I need to use.

  • Sausage and Peppers and potatoes
  • Spicy Baked Mac & Cheese (using roasted peppers, and random leftover cheese)
  • Green Chile Burgers
  • Green Chile and Roasted Chicken Tacos
  • Chickpea, Sweet Potato and Pumpkin Curry over rice

2015 - Week 16 Cooking

So there is growing anxiety as the date of the PET scan comes close.  This has been just a whole mess of emotions, but at least we'll know quicker (PET in the morning, review with the doctor in the afternoon).  The PET scan was approved by Shannon's insurance, so that's good at least.  I can't imagine the stress for people that have to go through this for months and months.  So we are moving forward, anxiously tirelessly moving forward.

So the grass is coming up.  So on top of having to do most of the in home chores (kitchen is already mine, but now added the vast majority of Shannon's responsibilities), soon I'll have to start mowing the lawn.  I'm running out of distressing time, or injecting time where I shouldn't.  There is a burden here, but it is a burden I must take on.

I have been working from home.  I started back This past Wednesday and for the most part it is working out pretty well.  There are some problems and I do miss my dual monitors, but I'm making it work, so I can be here in case Shannon needs me.  So far it involves heavy cat management (she's only allowed to lift Freyja), and some moving of things.  She is becoming more and more independent, which is good.  We'll probably have to have the discussion of when I should go back to going into the office.  I've liked the working from home, but I can only bend the rules for so long (though with reasonable justification).

2015 - Week 14 Cooking Results

So apparently I misnamed the previous post, repeating week 13 (fixed).  So the original hopes was to have Shannon get released from the hospital on Wednesday 4/1, however that didn't happen, She was finally released on Friday.  So that didn't leave much time in the way of cooking.  Even so, I was able to cooke a bit.  After getting the boot (I snore) one night, I went home and made myself an egg sandwich, and it felt calming.

I did make some pasta, and I have to remember that for the Hy-vee pasta, it's either terrible or the directions have you cook it for way to long.  I made some rigatoni with some onion, diced tomatoes and some Smoky Borsellino Salami.  This worked out pretty well, maybe not well enough, but good.

And some simple scrambled eggs (eggs, sour cream, salt, pepper) were made per request.  So things are working, Shannon is improving

I can talk about this, publicly now.

So a bit back we were taken through a roller coaster of emotions.  Scare, relief, scare, more scare.

So for several reasons my wife was sent over to Iowa Radiology after a bit of back and forth, we found out that she had a mass around one of her ovaries.  So at best, it's gotta go, at worse, all that system has to go.

So the positives.

  • Her work has been amazing  She found out about it during the first month or so of working there.  We were planning on just using FMLA to ensure she can go back to work, but her manager was like here, let me get you the short term disability paperwork, lets take care of this.
  • My work has also been amazing.  Clearly I have been distracted, overly emotional, and running off to take my wife to appointments.  This has not been a problem (except the minor freakout for a major go-live that I'll be missing (I only have a minor role)).
  • Many people have said if we need anything, just ask, and not like that thing that some people might say, but more of a these people will actually do.  It feels great to have friends  / family like this.
  • The oncologist we are working with, we have not heard anything bad about her (other doctors, other people in the know).  She's been great to talk to and handle everything.  She's been a great confidence boost.
  • I had other plans for my Flex money this year (dental), and we set aside some flex money for Shannon, but between the two of these things, there's a large chunk of cash to take care of bills, and another large chunk in reserve beyond that.

The bad (for me)

  • I have been stress eating.  Now I'm quite aware of it, and I'm within a reasonable margin, but more then I should be clearly.  Strangely enough I'm still down weight, so who knew (up from my lowest point, but down from my latest peak)?
  • There has been more...drinking.  Certainly not to the same extent as some other periods in my life, but certainly more then the weekend / casual / social type of drinking that I do.  While I know it's not the best way to deal with things, some of it is the calming ritual of it.
  • I never expected to live past 30 (I'm closing in on 40).  In discussions with a fried about this whole thing, neither of us really were living our lives as if there was not much of a future.  Lives changed then my goal became, I want to make sure that there is enough money for my wife, when I pass.  Clearly I will first, though she doesn't like me talking like this, but with that as a generalized goal and a lot of what my life revolves around, what would happen if that pillar was gone?  Being in the suspense that we have been kept in, in these periods of time, very dark thoughts can go across my mind.  I'm often, as I stated, distracted, distressed and very dark.  I try to keep up the habits that keep my mood elevated (regular walks, keeping myself partially distracted at all times, etc), but often times, these days, it's not working very well.  Sometimes I hide it well, sometimes not.  Either way, it's been a struggle to keep my head in a normal / semi-normal space, while trying to be supportive and keep up with the day to day.
  • I have been sleeping poorly.  I often find myself staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to hold me.
  • When I sleep and dream, they're often bad dreams, haunted by bad things

With all this going on we've been working together to keep the attitudes positive.  It is hard to predict what will happen in the next 40 days or so, but hopefully, no more bad surprises.