So I had an interesting conversation with my friend last night. And I have been thinking about that ever since.
I remember why I immersed myself in the computer world in the first place. A computer can't hurt me. If something is wrong with it, it can be fixed or replaced. Another part of it was that I didn't think that I could handle the highs and lows of having a close relationship (mostly the lows). I was of the opinion that having nothing was better then the lows that came about after having something. I know that I certainly fooled myself into believing that for the longest time. I placed my hopes in that something magical like the movies could happen. But that is a fools joke. Most just portray someone's silly magical romantic notion of what that want out of life. I know what I want out of life...or at least I know what road I want to head down. I know I wanted to have a place to live that was mine, and soon I will have one. I know I want someone to share it with.
I know I have trouble expressing things having to do with my emotions...and maybe that's how I was raised...or maybe that's just how my mind handles things. I know I don't understand things that my be obvious to others. Sometimes I can look back at certain situations and see where I missed the clues of the things about life that surround me. Most of the time, I remain clueless. What's funny is that I generally can read people and thier emotions and interactions, but when it comes to things surrounding my life, my vision becomes so very clouded. Thoughts swirl in my head and I don't know if they are accurate or not, becuase I just can't. People don't have a predictive pattern, and when you add your own feelings to that, it becomes less predictive. That is, as I am starting to understand, the beauty of life. Highs and lows on the emotional ride make life more of an experience. One shouldn't get off the ride just because something currently is bad, or the future doesn't look bright. If one can't find something good in their life, they're not looking hard enough. Not that I mean that everything in life is good, not by a long shot, but certainly everything in life isn't bad enough to cut your time short.