Journal

Analyzing Emotions

With the loss of Moonshadow, it has been challenging.  I try to take a perspective that I need to analyze all the responses that come up, as my brain doesn't work quite right in its responses.  Admittedly with the increased dosage, this has become quite a bit easier.  So with normal days, the things that come up are relatively easy to judge.  But with this loss, I'm sitting here wondering if this is the appropriate amount of response (to much or to little being the option).  So I'm still thinking about her and thinking in general.  Luckily I have a monthly therapy appointment in a couple of days and I can work out my thought process a bit more.

2018 - Week 5 Cooking

In the idea that I've once again, able to do things again and not just recover on the couch for a weekend, just to work again (not that work is bad, just cause my brain wasn't working the way it should).  I've finished geotagging the photos taking from the last few trips we've taken with the fancy camera.  On that note I'll be able to take the next step of going though them to figure out what I like vs what I don't (good or bad, I don't think I have the experience to make a judgment there), but I kind of abandoned the process since getting to the Chapel in the Hills, so I'll probably start doing that soon.

I also re-ordered the meats and etc in the freezers.  So now there are separate bags for the various animals: Pork (by far and away the most), beef, sheep (mutton and lamb), goat.  Upstairs has the chicken and the single whole rabbit.  Then a separate bag for the various offal parts (I may be sneaking these into things :-D ).  And one more back for the large parts.  Two whole uncured hams?  JFC... Anyways.  I'm going to know better what I have, meaning I'll know what I need to use and effectively rotate meat in and out.

Positives and Negatives

So as my mood slowly faded down, with a correction here and there, but the eventual decline.  My morning routine changed.  After my walk, instead of sitting down and eating breakfast and flipping / reading through my subscribed to cooking magazines, I spent quite a bit of time with cat lap time.  So this me sitting on a chair, flipping through the news on my phone, drinking my cold brew coffee with 2% milk and I'll usually be joined by Moonshadow, sometimes Mani, and occasionally Freya (sometimes two at a time).

Frankly I like this as a start to the day. 

Even after the cloud of misinterpretation has cleared, I realized that most of these magazines don't make sense.  Cook's Illustrated / Country, I subscribe to them online ($), so getting the paper copy doesn't really make sense to me.  Food & Wine turned into the direction of Saveur (more travel, more wine and a bit of food), which is why I let Saveur lapse a while ago (though Lucky Peach's extra time has re-subscribed me to Saveur).  Food & Wine also has an over saturation of ads, making their website obnoxious to use.  Bon Appetit, I'm debating on keeping that, I kept the renewal card from the most recent magazine, but I'm going to call amnesty on the stack of issues and just donate them for re-sale. (hopefully a quarter a piece for Planned Parenthood of the Heartland).

So on the other side of the cloud, I can see that some of the spending was wasteful (we're trying to cut back quite a bit), so it doesn't make a ton of sense to keep paying for them.  Others, I just don't enjoy enough to justify the cost.  Sure I'll pick up the Thanksgiving issues probably, but beyond that...

2018 - Week 3 Cooking

Last month, I had a medication change, which is starting to settle out into a good normalcy.  I have been inspired by the Hilarious World of Depression to be more open and honest about my struggle with my own brain.  The medication change was like taking off a filter of awfulness off the world (which, well is extra awful lately).  One of which is to be more open with Shannon about what is going on in my brain, because frankly, my shutting myself off is one of the first signs that things are starting to go downward.  At some point, I'll probably write about how the last year has gone, and how, looking back on it over the years, it's effected me, but I'm not quite ready for that.

On a separate note, I keep seeing in my Facebook memories about putting Gorgonzola on a sloppy joe, so uh..that's gonna happen.

Trying to change a pattern

As I struggle with my brain, I want to take a chance to publicly thank my partner in life, Shannon, as she keeps up the behaviors and requirements that make us successful participants in society.  Even though I've not been not very helpful, she keeps on and I really do appreciate it.

I have started to enact a plan, where I will use my phone or laptop to take notes throughout the week to make writing the notes on cooking more accurate and recently thought about and also take notes about what to cook for the next week.  This will also reduce the burden and time commitment on Sundays.

 

A bit of a personal side bar.

So this month has been rough.  On top of the external stressors, my work Grandma (Judy / Juju) passed suddenly.  I think she had been retired for just under a year.  It really hit me hard.  Then this past Tuesday, I had already processed the loss of my Grandma (dad's mom, also my last grandparent), as she has become less and less there and even said so in my therapy appointment, however when the seriousness of her condition started to get expressed around my family, my normal reflection time took on a very emotional connotation as the songs playing at the Cheese Shop reminded me of the past (Time in a bottle really pushed me over the edge).  So I held back and pondered and became more and more morose.  Decided I wouldn't be able to cook, and with some texting back and forth with Shannon ordered dinner to take home.

I then became a blubbering mess.  I fell asleep at some point and eventually made it upstairs to go to bed.

I think Grandma is really the source of the Food is Love in my family.  Making sure there were always good food to share and eat and cookies in the cookie jar.  A lot of our fond family traditions revolved around the food she made.

I'll miss my grandma, but I feel that she has left a strong desire in my to have people around me enjoy the food I make for them.

2017 - Week 31 Cooking

I'm starting to let me cooking magazines fall by the wayside.  I don't get as much enjoyment out of them as I used to.  I'll let then go as they expire.  I still plan on keeping up the digital subscriptions I have.  I have a stack of magazines I haven't even cracked open.  Maybe cause I've been worried about other things?  Who knows.  Maybe I'll make a different call later.

Tomatoes this time around are from Grade A Gardens.

2017 - Week 30 Cooking

So it has been interesting watching what my own anxiety be effected by external events and them drop like rock as soon as understanding happens.  Having a relatively accurate heart rate monitor and being able to watch my anxiety push my heart rate above my exercise rate (purposeful walking) and then see it drop as soon as the need of anxiety was alleviated.  

Anyways enough of that.  It was a good weekend, and life can get back to me obsessing over my own, not near as dire, normal problems, while continuing to be helpful.

2017 - Week 2 Cooking

So you start the first week of the year, sick, you loose 15 pounds through your bum (I've gained back 5 of that).  You go to the doctor, you get tested for c.diff, you get scared cause you read about c.diff, it turns out you don't have c.diff.  Clear diet, mild diet, normal diet.  Probiotics just in case (not that I necessarily believe they work).  Needless to say, the poop storm that I called earlier, became a literal one.  Shannon has been amazing in taking care of me, and generally dealing with this disgusting situation.

On the other hand, working from home Tuesday through Friday, I figured out that yes indeed I could work from home, I was always concerned that I'd get to distracted by the things around me.  The things that are nice is that when I take my mental thinking breaks (stare out the window from my cube over the city of Des Moines), it's a lot better when I have a cat on my lap and able to look out my basement window at the duplex next door as smoke comes out of the furnace chimney.  It was being toyed with by the wind of the day.  Way more relaxing then the work view (probably doesn't hurt that I'm at home).  the negative side, swapping between a PC laptop (using for development...well to remote to my tower at work for development) and a mac laptop (using for email, chat, etc) is a bit more confusing.  Mainly the key combinations and finger configurations to do so which are slightly different.  Also it doesn't hurt that I got to wear pajamas for a week +.  On the other side of that I do think that having the multi-screen tower is way more efficient then not having it.  Also, by comparison, you can tell the speed difference.  It's kind of obnoxious at times.  Try to explain the justification for that though...anyways.

2016 - Week 52 Cooking Results

So mid-week I got came down with something, my desire to cook dropped off a cliff.  As the week continued, I was less nauseous but still sick.  I'm now on a clear liquid diet...cause Happy New Years?

Tuna Melts

made cause it was an easy meal on a Tuesday after a day off.

Quinoa Pilaf With Chipotle, Queso Fresco and Peanuts

Delayed.

Quesadillas (per C's suggestion and Shannon's Approval)

Delayed (we did have a taco salad, cause it was easy), didn't spice it, cause my tummy was fine, the rest of me, not so much

Brown Butter Polenta with Sausage and Mushroom Ragu (per Nathan & Jenny)

I don't feel as if I could judge this fairly, I didn't have a chance to really eat it (got sick shortly after, I don't blame this dish)

Cholent

Delayed